My Kid Just Came Out . . . Now What?

Most parents have an idea about what it means to be transgender long before their kid comes out to them. It’s in the news, political ads, and in conversations with co-workers or friends. Much of what we hear comes from a position of certainty and very little of it comes from trans people themselves.

So before anything else, I want us to pause here together. Take a breath or two. Let’s practice slowing down to create a little space between what you’ve heard and who is actually in front of you.

This is the most important and practical skill I learned at Stonewall early in my career working with transgender and gender nonconforming folks. And it takes practice, because our brains are built to do the opposite.

In psychology we talk about heuristics, or mental shortcuts we use to make sense of the world. You can picture them as file folders your mind pulls out automatically. Someone says “transgender” and before you’ve even had a moment to think about it, the folder is open. Everything you’ve absorbed from headlines and other people’s opinions is right there. It’s efficient, but it’s also how we end up responding to a label rather than a real person.

The pause is where you get to notice the folder opening, and ask whether what’s inside actually represents the child you know.

You will notice your brain’s efficiency in other ways, too. You will most almost certainly get your child’s name and pronouns wrong at least once. As a therapist working with transgender and gender nonconforming folks for over a decade, I still slip up at times.

When you do, your child may respond with “that’s okay.” Some kids will go further and tell you they don’t really care whether you get it right. If you are anxious about getting it right, that can feel like a huge relief.

I want to gently caution you against resting there. Often, kids say these things to protect their parents, not because it doesn’t matter to them. Many won’t tell you otherwise, because they love you and don’t want to make this harder. But I have sat with a lot of young people who are quietly hurting over exactly this.

So even when it’s difficult, keep practicing. This is the pause showing up again, just smaller. Notice the slip, correct it and keep going.

When you make a mistake, resist the urge to over-apologize. A long apology shifts the focus to your feelings, and your child ends up reassuring you. Just restate the sentence with the correct name or pronouns and move on.

Just like in parenting and in life, mistakes will happen. There’s no perfect way to do this. But the greatest impact you can have on your child’s life is in the recovery.